Said I'd die for you one time....

.....but never again. ever get stuck? in the little canoe that you've pushed yourself into. in the middle of the lake. paddling out there. then you get there. and you realize, that you don't know where you are? and you don't have any oars to row back? because apparently you've lost your mind.

sometimes, i feel like that. i wonder if life has a plan for me. or if i make my own plan. i wonder if things are really as attainable as they seem. or if everything relys on circumstance. if things happen for a reason... or if the reason is never there.. and things just happen, because well... shoot, everything happens.

is timing really everything? because mine is the worst. and it comes in floods. like a dam that crashes and falls and then all of a sudden theres a rush of water. like a plague.

its always ups and downs. its always wrong and right. i can't help but feel like theres more out there. but i also can't help but feel like this is where i'm supposed to be. its like theres a tug of war going on.

but i'm the rope.

hey, you beauty supreme.
yeah, you were right about me.
but can i get myself out from underneath this guilt that will crush me?
and in the choir,
i saw a sad messiah.
he was bored and tired of my laments.
said i'd die for you one time, but never again.
never again.

well, i love you so much.
but do me a favor, baby... don't reply.
'cause i can dish it out.
but i can't take it.

ever have that feeling that everything you say is genuine. and all of the things you write and all of the words that come out of your mouth... well, they actually mean something. and all of your feelings... they're real, and you mean them. and you want them to convey meaning. and you CAN FEEL them...you know they are there.

but you can't seem to figure out if the same is true for everyone else?

UPS finally called today... i have my orientation on Saturday. Im guessing we will be starting work on monday. Its about time! I was starting to get upset. I need the $krilla. Im getting ready to move in with some friends thanksgiving weekend. Should be interesting. Im looking forward to living with my friends but not the "moving" part. The picture is from when i was in utah hanging out with my cousins... they always put a smile one my face.