What we fear most

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure,
It is our light not darkness that most frightens us,
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesnt serve the world.
Theres nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
Its not just in some of us; its in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear; Our presence automatically liberates others.

This weekend in Bootytah

Lou, Cub, and I at the SUU game.
This weekend was pretty fun. I was up in Cedar with the family for a funeral. I froze my butt off! it snowed 6 inches while we were there and honestly I have no idea how i used to live there! I guess i was a trooper back then but as of now i am officially a wimp in the cold! I cant believe how close to Christmas it's getting! Holy crap! Another year down the crapper. HAHA. While in Cedar I hung out with my friend Cub (Kaitlyn) most of the time. We honestly are so goofy together. We made a CD of the most random songs... like back from the 90's. All her roomates were gone for the holidays so we put the CD in while we were in the kitchen and we had a dance party! Oh my heck if you would have seen us you would have died. I busted out the sprinkler, the fax machine, and many more moves that I invented! Later we went to the SUU girls and boys basketball game. The girls won and the boys game was a close and intense game, but we ended up losing. I got to see Lindi (Lou) at the game and it was so good to see her! I miss her.

Well this week i'll be wishing i had the money to go buy Christmas presents for everyone I love but living on your own isn't cheap! And i'm pretty upset I dont have the money to do what i'd like to do for my friends and family. And in the words of George Costanza, "HAPPY FESTIVUS!"

IT'S A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US!

Oh and also.. i heard a song today on my ipod that made me tear up (Shon, go look this one up.. it's on Anberlins new CD and the song is called "Breathe") for the rest of you... here are some of the lyrics:

"This is surrenderTo a war-torn life I've lived.Scars and stripes foreverIn need of change I can't resist.No need to hide anything anymore.Can't return to who I was before.I can finally breathe.Suddenly alive.I can finally move.The world feels revived.This long of a struggleFinally opened up my eyes.Revolution's not easyWith a Civil War on the inside.No need to hide anything anymore.Can't return to who I was before.I can finally breathe.Suddenly alive.I can finally move.'Cause I realize.I can finally breathe.Suddenly alive.I can finally move.The world feels revived."

Thanksgiving Weekend

This week/weekend has been pretty filled up for me. In the pic above is me and my good friend darci who lives in Arizona now. I havent seen her in about a year and we got to hang out for a bit on Sunday so it was nice!
I wanted to badly to be with my family on Thanksgiving but they were all planning on being in Utah... and I am moving this weekend so it seemed like things werent going to work out. However Tiffany and I made it work and we came up to New Harmony Wednesday night and. We spent Thanksgiving in New Harmony with My parents and sister, Mark and Lisa and the 3 boys... my grams and gramps... and 2 other random people who i honestly had no idea who they were. LOL afterwards We met up with kristin, KC, cuurtis, and Kaitlyn... We went into Cedar and saw a flick. Tiffany and I are getting ready to head back to Vegas in a few minutes. We will be packing and moving all weekend. LAME! but I am excited to be living with friends.
Over and Out!

Random thoughts...

That is a fairly old photo of me... i would say at least 3 years. But I saw it and thought it sort of pertained to the topic i am going to shortly rant about. I get in my own head a lot, and about the most useless crap sometimes. Today I was thinking:

Things I wonder about the FBI's list of "Ten Most Wanted Criminals":
When they catch a guy and he moves off the list, does number 11 automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, "I made it Bruno. Im finally on the list!" ? How about when a new really dangerous guy comes along and they absolutely have to put him at the top of the list without delay? (Call it "Number 1 with a bullet," if you will.) Doesn't everyone else have to move down a notch? And doesnt one guy get dropped off? How do they decide which guy to drop? Is it automatically number 10? And how does he feel about that? Does he feel threatened? Does he feel maybe it should have been someone else? Has anyone who was ever demoted ever killed the new guy to gain his spot back?

One last thought: Does the FBI search harder for number 3 than they do 7? I would. Otherwise why have the numbers at all?

-When your toilet won't stop running, and you put your hand in the tank to fix the chain, dont you wonder, briefly, whether or not the water in the tank has already been in the toilet bowl?

-They say that rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle.
They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.

-I typed the word "google" into google. Guess what came up? Everything.

-When i worked downtown by all the wedding chapels, i wondered how many eventual homicides have resulted from weddings preformed at the Happy wedding chapel.

-Personal ad I saw the other day.... no joke. "Hello im Henri. I am 55 years old and i am looking for someone who will leave me alone. Please respond. And then leave me alone."

-If no one knows when a person is going to die... how can we say he died prematurely?

-You know what you NEVER see anymore? A guy with a pencil behind his ear.

These are the thoughts that keep me from making any real progress in life. :0)

Said I'd die for you one time....

.....but never again. ever get stuck? in the little canoe that you've pushed yourself into. in the middle of the lake. paddling out there. then you get there. and you realize, that you don't know where you are? and you don't have any oars to row back? because apparently you've lost your mind.

sometimes, i feel like that. i wonder if life has a plan for me. or if i make my own plan. i wonder if things are really as attainable as they seem. or if everything relys on circumstance. if things happen for a reason... or if the reason is never there.. and things just happen, because well... shoot, everything happens.

is timing really everything? because mine is the worst. and it comes in floods. like a dam that crashes and falls and then all of a sudden theres a rush of water. like a plague.

its always ups and downs. its always wrong and right. i can't help but feel like theres more out there. but i also can't help but feel like this is where i'm supposed to be. its like theres a tug of war going on.

but i'm the rope.

hey, you beauty supreme.
yeah, you were right about me.
but can i get myself out from underneath this guilt that will crush me?
and in the choir,
i saw a sad messiah.
he was bored and tired of my laments.
said i'd die for you one time, but never again.
never again.

well, i love you so much.
but do me a favor, baby... don't reply.
'cause i can dish it out.
but i can't take it.

ever have that feeling that everything you say is genuine. and all of the things you write and all of the words that come out of your mouth... well, they actually mean something. and all of your feelings... they're real, and you mean them. and you want them to convey meaning. and you CAN FEEL them...you know they are there.

but you can't seem to figure out if the same is true for everyone else?

UPS finally called today... i have my orientation on Saturday. Im guessing we will be starting work on monday. Its about time! I was starting to get upset. I need the $krilla. Im getting ready to move in with some friends thanksgiving weekend. Should be interesting. Im looking forward to living with my friends but not the "moving" part. The picture is from when i was in utah hanging out with my cousins... they always put a smile one my face.

There are those....

There are those:

Who will love you no matter what you do.

Who will do it with you.

There are those:

Who will judge you for the mistakes you make.

Who will forgive you.

There are those:

Who understand the reasons why.

Who don't really care.

There are those:

Who know the depths of your heart.

Who will break it.

There are those:

Who you can tell anything.

Who will repeat it.

Which one are you?

Life's too short to worry, life's too long to wait.

I have had more time than I would like to think latley. I have been thinking about everything possible. Today I was thinking about how you never realize how much you take for granted until you don't have it, and when you think things are tough... someone more than likely has it 20 more rough than you have got it. I am a person who fears to live in regret, and I don't care what anyone says... we all have them. YES... we all do things, and eventually learn from our mistakes, but there are still little aspects of us that want to go back and change the way we would have handled a situation, said something, and so on. I am not one to talk about my feelings... I am much better at writing them. I guess lately I have been feeling like there have been so many doors opened for me in life and instead of walking through them I have closed the doors of opportunity. I know the people in my life are not blind, or as unaware as i make believe in my head that they are. Some probably think I am an idiot with her head up her butt. Well, those some are right. haha I unfortunatly am the type of person that must experience everything herself without listening to reason. (Reason of course being a metaphore for my parents, grandparents, friends..... pretty much anyone giving advice.) and of course the advice not taken in the end is always right.... ALWAYS! And at the same time... with all this screwing up, the one thing ive always wanted since as long as I can remember is approval. Especially with the folks. I know and have been told by alot of my friends that i put way to much pressure on myself to appease my parents. But all I want for them is to be happy. I have cried myself to sleep the past week over this. I realize that they were young and probably didnt know exactly what they were doing at first when they were raising me. However i DO NOT want them to think that they failed. Thinking back... i took them for granted. I rejected them when they would reach out to me, because I was intimidated. I never thought i could have a friendship... a comrodery with them. And as i get older and the world turns.... i am seeing how neat they are. i LIKE being around them... they are funny... but most of all... comforting and nuturing. I know one day I will make them proud... and they won't be ashamed to shout from the rooftops that I am their daughter. All I am asking is that you be patient with me... god isnt finished with me yet.